#can you tell i'm excited. i just need to be on my new meds for a bit longer so they can stabilize

[jinxpologist]

What are you looking forward to the most with T?

hm, that's a good question. mostly i'm looking to achieve a level of androgyny and then see what i'm gonna do from there. but i'm. super excited about a lot of specific things kdsjghdf

i'm super excited for my voice to drop. i know some people hate the "t-voice" that people get, but i fucking love it. i think my voice would be beautiful if it sounded like that. i'm only just a bit scared of not sounding like "myself" anymore - i often exaggerate my emotions a bit and i don't want to lose the range. although the range could all be in my head anyway idk if i come across as expressive kdsjghkfd

more body hair. a lot of people see this as a negative but i don't/???? i want to be fuzzy??? and if i need to shave i'll probably enjoy that too??? i REALLY want body hair. only place i don't want more is my face but then i could maybe be persuaded.....

body fat distributionds fgkjhdsfkgjhdfskgjdsh i would be so powerful without my hips interrupting my boxy dream

honestly i wouldn't mind gaining some weight. in fact i could probably do with it!!!

increased muscle mass PLEASEEEE

i'm REALLY looking forward to the emotional effects of being able to transition and knowing that every day i'm going to be closer to feeling like myself. i've heard some people describe it as suddenly having their emotions even out. i've especially heard from a lot of people with PMDD that going on testosterone has helped a lot in the emotional area, which would be really exciting!!!!

so i'm. very excited for a lot of things and can't choose just one!!!

[thelostconsultant]

Lunch with a stranger

pairing: Charles Leclerc x female reader

summary: You've seen Charles before, but it's only when he interrupts your lunch when you exchange more than one word.

You were so lost in the screen of your phone that you didn't even notice the furry baby shark approaching you.

As you sat at a table on the street with a glass of ice cold lemonade and some snacks serving as your lunch, you talked to your friends in a group chat to arrange your plans for the weekend. Brunch in the morning, beauty salon before lunch, then a quick shopping trip in the afternoon.

And then you felt it; sharp teeth gently nipped the skin on your calf until they were replaced by the little creature's tongue as it licked your leg. You leaned to the side to see the criminal under the table and saw an adorable little puppy who looked surprisingly excited to see you.

But why did it look familiar? You could have sworn you had seen this dog before, and not just once, yet your mind couldn't put the pieces together to help you out. Then you noticed the leash and followed the thin line to the owner. A familiar face. That explained everything.

“I'm sorry, he likes to make friends,” the guy said with a sheepish grin.

You waved your hand in a way to tell him it was no problem, then returned your attention to your phone and lunch, expecting him to move on. But he didn't. Out of the corner of your eye you saw him pick up the dog and take the seat across from you.

“I'm Charles, by the way,” he said.

Nodding, you took a sip of your drink, enjoying the way it cooled you down from the inside. “I know. Our nation's greatest hero as of now.”

You didn't want to talk to anyone today, especially not to someone you knew from your psychologist's office, but he seemed really determined to get more than a few words out of you. You had never spoken to each other more than politely greeting the other, and honestly, you didn't even think he would remember you.

But he did, apparently. He waved over the waitress to come and take his order, ignoring your silent protest, then looked at you with an intrigued glint in his eyes. “So you watch F1?” he asked casually.

“I watch the Monaco GP since all I have to do is go out to my balcony, but that's the most I see from it,” you replied, not missing the disappointed look that crossed his face. But he didn't say anything, he just scratched his dog’s soft spot behind his ear. “What?”

Charles looked up with a questioning hum. “What what?” You rolled your eyes, but since the waitress had just arrived with his order, you didn't want to go into the details. “Okay, look,” he began once you were alone again, “I just… I see you at Dr. Brezzo’s office whenever I can go on my normal schedule, but we never have the chance to talk. So when Leo found you, I thought I should take this chance.”

He seemed like such a sweet guy, but at the moment you didn't need new people in your life, especially not ones who lived in the spotlight. You just wanted to have some quiet and peaceful months until your meds kicked in, until you were finally back to normal. You'd been doing great, it would have been a shame to risk it.

But when you opened your mouth to tell him you weren't interested in this chat, he gave you the damn puppy eyes as if he had known what you wanted to say. With a sigh, you nodded and stuffed a forkful of salad in your mouth. He waited patiently, even began eating his own food while making sure he gave his dog a bite so he wouldn't be left out.

“You look tired,” you noted, earning a surprised look from him. “A friend of mine is a huge F1 fan and he told me about how terrible things have been for you. I'm sorry. Is that why you need therapy? No, wait, don't answer this, it's too personal. Let's talk about something else.”

For a while he was just watching you with a barely visible smirk, and then he surprised you with what seemed to be an honest response. “I would go to therapy anyway, my job is stressful enough on its own, but yeah, the team's recent performance is definitely something I need to learn to deal with.”

“I'm sure there are highs and lows in every aspect of life, so maybe it won't last much longer,” you offered with a warm smile.

Charles nodded. “That's what I'm hoping for. What about you? Why do you go to therapy?” he asked cautiously.

Well, since he was honest with you, there was no reason to lie. It's not like he would go around telling everyone about it. “I have bipolar disorder. The meds will hopefully work, but I need therapy too. Makes things easier,” you added with a shrug.

He was awfully quiet, and for a moment you expected him to stand up and leave. Wouldn't have been the first time, you had already lost a friend thanks to this. But then he picked up his glass and watched the bubbles move inside as he broke the silence with a smile. “You look well to me.”

A small smile crept on your lips when you heard this. “Thanks. Honestly, I feel better too,” you said proudly. Because you were proud of what you achieved in a short amount of time.

Then you both returned to your respective lunches, but Charles had to focus on keeping a healthy balance between feeding himself and Leo for now. It was adorable, really. You felt like you should say something, anything to break the silence, but he didn't seem to mind it. To him it might have been comfortable, because when he noticed you staring, he flashed a smile at you without saying a word, then returned to his lunch.

A good fifteen minutes later your phone had begun to blow up. Your friends were sending dozens of messages into the group chat, making your phone ping and buzz non-stop. With an apologetic smile, you took a look at it, and your breath caught in your throat as you tapped the links they threw in there.

“Oh, shit,” you muttered, a painful groan leaving your throat when you noticed you'd been tagged in several social media posts too.

Charles looked at you with a puzzled look. “What happened?” he asked.

Instead of answering, you just showed him your phone. He kept scrolling, his eyes growing wider as he began to process the dozens of posts and hundreds of comments about the two of you having lunch together. It was insane how fast rumors flew across the internet, and it didn't make you happy at all.

Despite being born and raised in Monaco, you had been taught to stay under the radar your whole life. Your parents made sure no photos of you would be published anywhere, and you were trained to do everything in a way that kept you away from the spotlight. People didn't know your name, they barely even knew your parents’ name, which was a good thing.

Well, so much for that.

“Hey, it's okay. Just a few photos,” Charles offered as he gave you back the device and placed his hand on your arm. “They'll move on soon, I promise.” When he saw you were still upset about it, he spoke up again. “Look, I think you already knew I wanted to ask you out, so if you would say no anyway, this is the time to tell me. I wouldn't blame you.”

How could he be so sweet? You did have a feeling that's where this conversation was going, but you weren't sure until now. Now that you knew, you had to figure out how to decide. When he showed up, you were sure you didn't want anything. But now? Maybe getting to know him better wouldn't be so bad after all.

“It's okay. I think I can handle it,” you told him with a small smile.

Your positive response made him smile too as he looked down at the puppy in his arms. “You heard that? You'll get all the kisses and cuddles you want.” He looked up at you with a playful look in his eyes. “Maybe I will too,” he added.

[beatrixstonehill2]

"Sooooo, guess who went to college and forgot to pack her hrt? Oops. I know, I've been gone a while (everyone who guessed exactly what I did, kudos!) and finally I'm OK talking about it because it worked out suuuuper well tbh. As many of you know I started transitioning back in junior high, I was on blockers and started estrogen in high school. My mom prepared all my meds. I went to college and was so excited to join a sorority and live the college dream of being a sorority girl! Lots of parties, lots of drinking, lots of sex! All day every day.... between the occasional lesson. Maybe! But after a few months I noticed things were really off. I tried not to overthink it, but eventually realized the huge mistake I made.

Since my mom prepared my hormones I barely thought about it. She told me to take them in the morning and night. Without home, without her, the routine stopped existing. Soooo, yeah. There I was looking sexy, my huge boobs ready to be ravaged by all kinds of guys and girls.... And I loved it! For the first two months I chalked my heightened libido to the new experience of college and had sex constantly! But before long my body started to change. My voice started cracking. My cock grew like six inches, it was insane! And by month three my facial hair came in. My body was just soooo eager to become male.

My sorority sisters thankfully saw this happen loads of times. Every year there's some perfectly passing trans girl sporting HH-Cup tits or bigger who forgets her meds and winds up detransitioning. Like clockwork. I protested and said I just needed to go back on them, get my script refilled. I called my mom and she laughed, saying she threw it out because she figured I didn't want it anymore. That being a girl mustn't be that important to me after all. I panicked, asking the nurse on campus that day. She said what's done is done. I was in male puberty. I asked about blockers and she laughed too, telling me my body was giving me a very clear signal about who I was supposed to be. She said blockers would stunt my new puberty but it would always be in motion now. My voice, my facial hair, all of this was unavoidable at this point, it'd worsen even on blockers or estrogen. She recommended I fully detrans for a year, then see if I want to retransition after all the changes.....

By the end of that year all I wanted was my boobs removed. I used to love having big tits but now they only made me dysphoric. And they were growing hair so that didn't help. I hit the gym, got really buff, was obviously kicked out of the sorority for being male, then joined the frat. Finally! I totally accepted I was male. No more shyly discussing sex and going out in embarrassing dresses with my boobs hanging out. With other guys I could talk about my darkest, most perverse fantasies as we worked out and they'd just call it hot as fuck, not judge me as some silly perverted fakegirl. Instead of getting fucked and passed around like a cheap slut, now I was fucking pregnant girls with huge asses bloated up by partying and a diet of only beer and pizza. It was pure bliss getting to mount and fuck all these gorgeous girls I used to be so jealous of. Now they were beneath me and the rest of the frat. They weren't goals or anything to aspire to, they were drunken fuckmeat with a womb full of kids to slap around.

My favorite part is when I encounter a fakegirl and start fucking her estrogen-fattened ass. I'll pump her cock and tell her right in her ear how much I want to see her detrans, how much I want to pump her full of T and see her girly body become a man's like it's meant to be. I tell them this and their knees all buckle. They can be the prettiest, most passing trans girl on the planet, with huge breasts and a gorgeous face. If I'm pumping her ass telling her how much I want to forcibly detransition her she'll get hard as iron and moan so loud out of nowhere, her body shaking. She'll always tell me to keep going, to tell her how badly she needs to accept reality and be a boy. All fakegirls fantasize about detransing. In fact, what I've learned is the most beautiful trans girls that pass the best, started gender affirming care the youngest, and have the sexiest feminine bodies, secretly fantasize about detransing the most..... I miiiight have convinced about six girls to detrans just this year alone so far, with my cock pumping their ass, and my hand jerking their cock..... Leaving behind my hrt was the best mistake I ever made. So happy my family didn't bother calling me and just happily let me detrans obliviously on my own. ❤️"

[bucky-bucky-bucky-bucky]

New Year's Day | Bucky Barnes x Reader

Happy New Year('s Eve)! I'm not sure if its NYE where you are or if the clock has already struck midnight. Regardless, have a great 2023! I am hanging out with my parents and I will be kissing no one at midnight. Look out 2023, I'm wild.

Warnings: mention of alcohol, mention of anxiety, idiots in love

"There's glitter on the floor after the party

Girls carrying their shoes down in the lobby

Candle wax and Polaroids on the hardwood floor

You and me, forevermore"

...

Bucky didn’t like parties. It wasn’t that he hated celebrations, nor was he a “fun crusher” as Tony often called him. He just didn’t like the crowds, the noise. Large social gatherings made him uncomfortable. And he had plenty reason to stay far away from any get-together of more than a handful of people. I

But this party- this was the exception. It was the New Year’s bash, the party of all parties. It was supposed to celebrate the end of the tumultuous twelve months you’d faced, and usher in a- hopefully better- year to come. 

Throngs of people planned to gather in a luxe penthouse in Manhattan and party until sunup. And while that wasn’t usually Bucky’s idea of a good time, he wanted this night to be special.

On more occasions than he could count, you sat out of Tony’s parties because of Bucky. You stayed home while everyone you knew- and many you didn’t- had the time of their lives. And while you never complained, Bucky feared you’d resent him. That you’d get tired of coddling him and his anxiety. 

Not that you’d ever feel that way about him. You stayed home from every party because you wanted to, not out of obligation. You wanted to be with Bucky. And if that meant foregoing a Stark party, you didn’t mind. Even if you went without Bucky, you knew you wouldn’t have any fun. You’d spend the entire night missing him, wishing he was there. Attending Tony’s parties wasn’t worth it unless Bucky was there, too.

With the NYE party looming over him, Bucky decided he needed to attend. He knew you wanted to go. Any time someone mentioned it, you perked up. It was subtle, but Bucky noticed. He knew you were itching to celebrate the new year and party till sunup with the rest of the team. And while just the thought of fireworks and large crowds was enough to make him sweat, he was determined to make it work.

Plus, he wanted to kiss you at midnight. He wanted to ring in the new year with your lips pressed to his. He wanted to stand on the balcony overlooking the city with you- just you- and tell you how he felt about you.

But asking you to be his date proved harder than he expected.

“I think we should go to the party,” he told you one day over lunch. “It sounds fun.” 

A blank stare stole the light from your eyes. You blinked once. Twice. “Okay, wait. I’m sorry- what? Did you just way you wanted to go to a party?” You laughed, “are you on drugs?”

Bucky rolled his eyes at you, “No, I’m not on drugs, doll.” He chucked his balled-up straw wrapper at you and made you squeal. “I wanna go- with you, I mean. I want us to celebrate the fact that we somehow made it through this fucking year alive.”

He wasn’t exaggerating. Between the Flag Smashers, a slew of nightmarish missions, and a nearly fatal run in with a Zola apologist, the past twelve months hadn’t treated either of you with kindness. You’d reached your quota on near-death experiences and stays in the med bay- but you survived. And Bucky wanted to commemorate it. 

He gave you an expectant look, “What do you think? You wanna go together?”

You let out an excited laugh- a scream, really. “Hell yeah, Barnes- Oh, I have to text Wanda!” The clicking of your nails against your screen echoed through the space as you fired off a message to Wanda. “She, Nat, Maria, and Sam are going as a group! I bet we can tag along.”

It sounded fun, but Bucky wanted to smack himself upside the head. Of course, you didn’t realize he intended it to be a date; he never actually said the words. All he said was that you should go together- but the two of you went everywhere together. Based on the way he phrased his statement, this was no different than his request for you to accompany him to Trader Joe’s. 

It would’ve been an easy fix. A quick, “Would you like to be my date?” would surely correct the situation in less than a minute. But Bucky was already in too deep. He’d worked up all his courage and spent it on asking you- incorrectly- to accompany him. And now his tank was empty. And he couldn’t retroactively ask you to be his date now; it would seem like an afterthought. You were never an afterthought.

“Wanda said we can go with them,” you shot Bucky a warm smile. “I’m so happy we’re going!”

“Good. Me too.” He matched your smile, regardless of the anxiety eating away at his insides.

Without warning, you grabbed Bucky’s hand. “I know you’re not really much of a party guy, though, so we’ll just play it by ear, alright? If at any point you wanna leave, that’s totally fine.”

Bucky gave you an overly casual shrug, “Oh, don’t worry about me, doll. I’m-”

“There’s gonna be fireworks…”

Bucky nodded.

“Are you sure you wanna go?” Your eagerness to attend Tony’ party disappeared at you thought about Bucky’s past. You didn’t want him to be uncomfortable- even for a second. “We could get away from the city for the night, instead. Maybe stay at Clint’s cabin?”

Bucky gave your hand a squeeze, “I’ll be okay. I promise. How bad could it be?” The words ‘will you be my date?’ swarmed inside Bucky’s head like a cloud of angry bees; he could barely hear you over the buzzing. Lunch ended without him asking, without you agreeing to be his date. 

Bucky found the answer to his question the moment he stepped into the party. How bad could it be? Bad. 

Hordes of people, loud music, champagne bottles popping at every turn. Cameras flashed left and right. Glitter and confetti littered the floor, making it slick as you walked through the crowd. Bucky was nearly sweating through his suit jacket. Drunk partygoers stumbled into the two of you time and time again. And while Bucky didn’t like being touched by strangers, he wanted to take the brunt. He didn’t want anyone knocking you down or stepping on your feet. 

He was uncomfortable to say the least. Just like he knew he would be. Just like you feared. Part of him wished he’d opted for the cabin getaway you offered at lunch. But you grounded him. Every time you looked at him, every time you laughed at one of his jokes or rested your hand on his arm, his world righted itself. You helped him find solace, peace- even amongst the chaos.

And though he’d seen you dressed up before, this way different. He loved way your shimmering gold dress caught the light. He loved the glittery make up that adorned your skin. You were radiant. Breathtaking. Perfect in every way. Hundreds of people filled the penthouse, but he only saw you. Only you mattered. 

“You good?” you shouted to Bucky over the roar of the crowd.

He nodded. “Why?”

“You’re staring”, you yelled. “I thought I had something in my teeth!” 

Bucky’s head fell back in a laugh that got lost in the noise of the party. He shook his head and brought his lips to your ear, speaking so that only you could hear him. “You just look really beautiful. That’s all.”

A rush of warmth flooded your cheeks. You couldn’t believe someone as perfect as him thought you were beautiful. He looked so good, so unbelievably handsome- it shouldn’t have been allowed. The way his suit fit his body nearly made you salivate. And thought you’d seen him in it before when you helped him pick it out, it still made you weak in the knees. It was the perfect material to compliment the dress you and Wanda selected for you to wear. 

And you knew the fabric would feel incredible as you gripped his lapels and pulled him in for a New Year’s kiss. 

Everything seemed to be going your way for once. Every time you had the chance to tell Bucky how you felt, something sabotaged you. Bucky was always getting phone calls from Fury at the wrong times, and Wanda’s unannounced drop-ins coincided with your confession on more than one occasion. Part of you worried that it was the universe’s way of telling you not to say anything. Maybe he didn’t have feelings for you. Maybe you were better off as friends. 

But you had to try, didn’t you?

“Hey, Buck. I was wondering if-”

Bucky couldn’t focus. He knew you were talking to him, knew that he needed to pay attention. But all he could think about was kissing you. Inhaling you. Making you his. He’d been through enough waking nightmares that nothing scared him anymore- except you. Why was he so nervous? He could run into gunfire and jump out of planes but telling you how he felt flooded his system with fear. 

He couldn’t do this. His brain screamed at him to abort the mission. 

“I’m gonna run- um, I’m gonna go to the bathroom,” he suddenly blurted out. “Be back in a minute.”

Before you knew what happened, he dashed through the crowd and disappeared. You stood on the dance floor- alone- with strangers bumping into you every few seconds. This had to be cosmic sabotage; the universe clearly didn’t want you to be with Bucky. But you didn’t care. You’d had just enough liquid courage to give you the tenacity you needed. The universe could get fucked, in your opinion. You balked in the face of fate and destiny and divine intervention and set off in Bucky’s direction.

He leaned over the bathroom counter and splashed cool water on his face. His cheeks were slightly flushed and his tie askew. This was just sad. Pathetic.

He was the Winter fucking Soldier- why was he scared of something so normal? So low stakes? People did this every day; they kissed the people they loved. But to him, this wasn’t normal. And the stakes had never been higher. He never thought he’d find such a great friend- and definitely never thought he’d fall so deeply in love with her. 

He wasn’t prepared for it, didn’t know how to handle these feelings. And if his confession of love or his request for a midnight kiss scared you away, he’d never forgive himself. There were plenty of reasons for you not to want Bucky romantically, so many that he couldn’t even list them all. And of course, you’d let him down gently. You’d be kind about it and would never make him feel bad. But he knew it would change your dynamic forever, and he didn’t know if he could stomach that reality. He couldn’t let you become a stranger.

Partygoers eyed you as you searched high and low for Bucky. They gave you weird looks and whispered about you as you called out his name. They must’ve thought you were an obsessed ex or a crazy fangirl- some of them probably wondered why you were allowed into the party. But you didn’t give a fuck. You were going to find Bucky if it was the last thing you did. 

Things got quieter as you moved farther from the massive crowd. Soft music played, you spotted Tony and Pepper sweet talking one another in a quiet corner. Finally, you could hear yourself think. But it was 11:58, and this penthouse was bigger that your childhood home. There was no way you were going to be able to find Bucky in time.

But you weren’t going to give up. As you rounded the corner down a long hallway, a wall of muscle bumped into you. Its mass nearly sent you crashing to the floor, until an arm wound around your waist. “Oh, shit- sweetheart, I’m sorry.” Bucky saved you from falling and pulled you close to his body. “Are you alright?”

There was no time for small talk or pleasantries, you had a mission- and your time to accomplish it was running out. “Buck, would you be my New Year’s kiss?”

Bucky stared at you, “What?”

“There’s like-” you checked your phone, “there’s like less than two minutes till the ball drops and I- do you want to kiss me at midnight? Yes or no?”

Bucky gave you a smile and placed a gentle hand on your shoulder, “Doll, you’re drunk-”

“I’m not. We both know I’m not.” He was trying to get out of it- to find an excuse, wasn’t he? Embarrassment flared inside your chest. 

Bucky could’ve suffocated in the tension. His heartbeat pounded so loud in his ears it drowned out the music. The raucous crowd.

“It feels embarrassing to ask a third time, but you haven’t technically answered, so-”

“Yes,” Bucky nodded. He gave the area a cursory glance and found it less enchanting than he would’ve liked for such an important moment. “But, don’t you wanna go back to the party and see the ball drop? Or stand on the balcony to watch the fireworks?”

“No. I wanna be here. With you.”

The crowd began their countdown.

“FIVE…”

And all Bucky could do was stare at you.

“FOUR…”

He hated that he ran away, that he lost his nerve.

“THREE…”

But here you were. 

“TWO…”

Because you wanted him just as much as he wanted you.

“ONE…”

And he was going to get his wish

“HAPPY NEW YEAR!”

People cheered, music blared, fireworks exploded. But neither of you noticed

Bucky took your face in his hands and brought your lips to his. It was the kiss you’d always dreamed of. The one you waited your entire life for. Your mom always said that when you found the right person, you’d know just by kissing them. And while you’d known Bucky was your person since you met him, this just confirmed it. 

Kissing him stole your breath- but gave you life at the same time. Was it possible that you’d been holding your breath your entire life, just waiting for this moment?

An intense warmth filled your every cell and lightning struck in your chest. You melted. He knew exactly what you wanted and gave it to you without hesitation. And just as you suspected, the fabric of his lapels felt incredible in your hands as you tried to pull him closer. But there was no ‘closer’. Any closer, and the two of you would become one.

Bucky could’ve died right then. If this was what awaited him over the past hundred years, he was glad he lived so long. You were worth it- all the pain and suffering and sadness. You were worth all of it. 

When you finally pulled away, no one spoke; you weren’t sure you remembered how to. And Bucky was too lost in the taste of your lips to conjure words. It didn’t matter that you were in a random hallway or that several hundred people were screaming Don’t Stop Believin’ just a few rooms away. This was private. Intimate. Just you and Bucky. As it always should’ve been.

“NEW YEARS SHOTS!” Nat yelled as she and Sam barreled into you, knocking you further into Bucky’s grasp. “We’re all doing shots! Happy fucking new year!”

You eyed Bucky, “Um… that’s okay, Nat. I think we’re just gonna-”

Nat put you in an arm bar and marched you toward the alcohol. “If you don’t do a New Year’s shot, it’s bad luck! You wanna end up dead at the bottom of a cliff or something?” She pushed you in the direction of the bar, separating you from Bucky.

Sam nudged Bucky with his shoulder and motioned for him to wipe your lipstick off his face. 

“Finally kissed her, huh?”

Bucky nodded.

“Can’t believe it took you that long- you’ve been making googly eyes at her forever-”

Bucky rolled his eyes, “alright, alright. I haven’t been ‘making googly eyes.’”

Sam gave a laugh that echoed down the hall, “yes you have, Barnes, stop lying to yourself. They pop out of your skull every time you look at her.”

Bucky gave Sam a very shiny middle finger.

The party wound down with you managing to get away with taking only one shot. Getting drunk didn’t seem like the best idea, not when a very important conversation with Bucky loomed on the horizon.

He stayed close to you for the remainder of the party, staring at you like you hung the moon. He craved the taste of your lips, the feel of your skin. Part of him feared that this was all a dream, that he’d wake up on the floor of his shitty apartment. Alone. Missing you. 

But no matter how many times he pinched himself, things remained the same. 

The DJ packed up and went home. Most of the partygoers flooded through the lobby and into taxis. Only the team remained. Tony, Nat, and Maria drank and laughed. Wanda taught Sam her “rave hands” as he often called them. And you rested on the couch, leaning against Bucky. 

“Hey… doll, you still with me?” he gave your hand a squeeze and roused you from your slumber. “You wanna just stay here tonight? Stark said there’s a bunch of empty rooms.”

You blinked your eyes clear and gave your head a shake. “What? No, I’m good. I’m fine. You forced a smile and struggled to get your eyes to focus, “Not even tired.”

Bucky laughed, “You were literally just asleep on my arm.”

“I was not,” you said. “I can hang!”

Bucky gave you an affectionate eyeroll and laughed at your protests. You absolutely could not ‘hang’, especially not with Tony, Nat, Sam, and Wanda. They were the partiers of the group. You, on the other hand, were a lightweight. 

“Well, I cannot hang,” Bucky yawned. He knew just how to get to you, “So I was just gonna sleep here. But, by all means, you stay up with the crazies. I’ll see you-”

“Oh, well in that case…” Spending the night with Bucky sounded like the perfect way to start the new year. “Yeah, I’ll just sleep here, too.”

A quiet laugh rumbled out of Bucky’s chest as he helped you from the couch. He wound an arm around you and pulled you into his side with a quiet “come on”. And the two of you took a stroll through the penthouse. Bucky ensured you didn’t fall when your heel caught the lip of a marble stair, and he kept you upright when exhaustion tried to pull you down. 

He made you feel safe. Taken care of. Protected. 

“Here we go,” Bucky flipped on the light of a lavish bedroom and motioned for you to enter first. 

You flopped on the bed with a loud sigh and allowed Bucky to help you free your feet from your uncomfortable shoes. Everything after was a blur, as though laying down for a split second turned your brain off completely. 

Bucky helped you under the covers and made sure you were cozy. He placed your phone on a charger. And when he was sure you were settled, he pressed a goodnight kiss to your forehead. While he wanted to climb in bed with you, he wasn’t sure it was right. Yes, he’d shared a bed with you a few times. But that was before he kissed you.

He decided that sleeping elsewhere was his best bet. It guaranteed that you’d feel safe and comfortable when you woke the next morning. But as he turned to leave, you hand exploded from beneath the sheets and snatched at his wrist.

“Where’reyougoin?” You words were clumsy and tired, but Bucky understood. 

He rested a hand on yours before gently removing it from his wrist. He tucked it back under the covers with the utmost care, and left another kiss on your forehead. “I was just- I was gonna find another room…”

This woke you. Suddenly, your eyes flew open. You were fully alert. Almost alarmed. You wanted Bucky by your side- always. And he’d already kissed you, what difference did sharing a bed make?

“Would you stay, Buck? Please?”

“Of course, doll. If that’s what you want”. He ran a hand through his hair, “But, are you sure? You’ve been drinking, and I-”

“I had a total of three drinks over the course of like…” you struggled to do the math in your foggy, tired brain. “Um, like, six hours. I’m not even near drunk. I’m just tired.” Once again, your hand escaped the covers and made a grab for Bucky’s arm. You gave his sleeve a gentle tug, “No pressure if you don’t wanna sleep in here with me. But if you want to, I’d be more than okay with that.”

Bucky’s heart leapt into his throat. This was all he wanted. While your kiss at midnight was, indeed, incredible, he didn’t crave moments like that. He wasn’t after the sensational. He wanted quiet, vulnerable intimacy with you. He wanted to hold you when you’d had a rough day. To share a bed with you every night. 

And at your invitation, he joined you.

He shed his jacket, tie, shoes, and belt, and climbed into bed. Normally, he slept in just underwear. But stripping down to his briefs felt like the wrong move. He’d sleep in his dress pants and his button down- no matter how uncomfortable it was- just to make sure you felt safe.

You wriggled in your dress and tried to get comfortable. It was tight in all the wrong places, the fabric itched. But you couldn’t shimmy out of your dress and sleep in just your underwear- not when you weren’t even sure how Bucky felt about you. He’d planned to sleep in another room, and it took him three tries to agree to kiss you. Maybe he didn’t like you that way. And if that were the case, keeping your clothes on was the least you could do.

“Goodnight, Barnes,” you yawned.

“Goodnight, Doll.”

“Yo, checkout in ten,” Tony called from the hallway. “Get up and get out.”

Bucky woke with a start, nearly headbutting you. Your face rested inches from his. His metal arm draped over your side. Your hands laid on his chest. 

He couldn’t wake you- not yet. He needed to drink in the moment. You slept peacefully, your hair messy and your make up smudged. This was what he’d always dreamed of, what he feared he’d never get. But here you were. And you were prefect. 

“Hey, sweetheart…” Bucky swept a thumb over your cheek a few times, “we gotta head out.”

Against your will, you stirred. It was too early, and you were far too tired. You snuggled closer to Bucky, nearly bringing your lips to his.

He ran a hand up and down your spine and tried again, “Doll, we gotta get up.”

With a groan, you pried your eyes open. But seeing Bucky first thing in the morning perked you up better than coffee.

 “Good morning, Barnes.”

“Good morning, doll…”

He wanted to kiss you- but a sudden epiphany hit him like a train. What if that kiss was a one-time thing? What if you just wanted him for New Years- nothing more? The thought pulled Bucky from your side. He shrunk away and slipped out of bed. If he was never going to kiss you again, he needed to escape the intimacy you shared. It was a method of protection, of self-preservation. Otherwise, he’d drown in his longing for you.

“Stark said we have to be out in ten minutes, so…”

It was odd, the way he snaked out of bed so quickly after you woke. No good morning kiss. No soft touches. Nothing. But apparently, there was a ticking clock. The two of you had ten minutes to get out of the luxurious penthouse and rejoin the real world. And though you would’ve preferred a nice, slow morning with Bucky, you had a time limit. 

You wriggled out of bed and took inventory or your appearance. Your dress was completely cockeyed and crooked from a night of sleep. Your hair was a mess. And your aching feet were covered in red spots and blisters. 

“Not to be that girl, but I’m not putting these things back on,” you said to Bucky, taking your shoes in your hand. “Walk of shame vibes for me today.”

Bucky gave you a quiet laugh as he righted his shirt and put on his belt. Something about him seemed off. He was quieter than usual, not as warm. Clearly, he regretted the kiss, and now he felt uncomfortable around you. You kicked yourself for jeopardizing what you had with him. Why did you have to be greedy? Why did you have to ask for more? Things were good as they were- great, even. And yet, you couldn’t resist screwing them up.

A dull ache pulsed behind your eyes. You were exhausted, hungry, and definitely dehydrated. You dug into your purse in search of advil, but a memento from the night before distracted you. You’d slipped it into your purse and forgotten all about it. Until now.

Bucky caught you smiling down at your bag, “What are you looking at?”

“Oh, um…” your cheeks grew warm with embarrassment. It was too late to come up with a lie- Bucky saw the smitten look on your face. “It’s just this. Here…” You reached over the bed and dropped a polaroid on the sheets in front of him. “Wanda took it last night.”

It was a picture of the two of you; Bucky staring at you with an adoring smile while you threw your head back in laughter. It was the perfect encapsulation of your relationship. Bucky wished he had a copy of his own. He’d take it home, put it in a frame. He wanted more- more photos with you. More moments like this.

He stared down at it, letting the frozen moment in time wash over him. And then- “Why did you kiss me?” It was abrupt. And awkward. Bucky regretted it the moment the words came out of his mouth. But he needed to know.

“What? Oh, did you not want me to?” Regret pooled in your chest. Had you violated him? Coerced him into kissing you when he didn’t want to? 

“No, I- I wanted you to.” Was he really going to do this now when you were both exhausted and still wearing the previous night’s clothes? His talent for finding terrible timing truly was impressive. “I’ve wanted to kiss you for a long time. A really long time.”

“Oh,” your stomach did a backflip. “Okay, well-”

“I just need to know why you kissed me,” Bucky said. His words picked up in pace, his hand developed a slight tremor. He was nervous, really nervous. “Did it mean something to you? Or was it just a New Year’s thing? If it was just because you wanted to kiss someone at midnight, I get it. And that’s totally fine. I just-”

“It wasn’t just a New Year’s thing.”

The two of you stared at each other from across the bed. But it felt like he was miles away. Slowly, you took a few steps in his direction. “I mean, yeah, I wanted to kiss you at midnight- but I mean, I wanna kiss you all the time.“

Bucky’s heart stopped.

“Buck, I’ve wanted you- wanted to be with you- ever since we met. I want to be yours. I want to kiss you- not just at midnight. Not just on New Years.” You took another cautious step, careful not to spook him. “I just didn’t know how to say it. I didn’t want to scare you off.”

“You can’t scare me off."

Butterflies swarmed in your stomach. "Oh. Well, good. Cause I think we're pretty fucking great together."

Bucky couldn't disagree. You brought out the best in each other. You cared for each other. Bucky trusted you more than he trusted anyone else, and you felt the same. The connection you shared couldn't be broken or damaged.

But Bucky couldn't escape the doubt that chipped away at his resolve. You'd spent a perfect night together and woke up tangled in each other's arms. Surely, you were just letting the previous night's festivities get to you. Influence you.

"You know, I think we should just talk about this another time- tomorrow maybe?" Bucky said. "We're both tired- and I don't want you to say anything you might regret-"

"No. I love you." Your words were steady. Even. No sign of uncertainty or question. "I know what I'm saying. I won't regret it-"

"Doll-"

Bucky didn't want to stop you; he'd dreamt of hearing you say these things since you met. But he needed you to take pause. He needed you to be sure. If you were still under the influence of the perfect night you shared, it would be easy to let those feelings cloud your judgement. He knew he couldn't handle it if, in a few days, you revoked everything you said.

"Buck, listen to me: I've known for a long time that I love you. But every time I try to tell you, something gets in the way. For a while, I thought it was the universe trying to tell me that we're not supposed to be together, but-"

"Fuck the universe."

Bucky closed the gap between your bodies and pressed his lips to yours. His hands grasped your waist, tangled in your hair. It was desperate and hungry and left you seeing stars.

He pulled away and stared at you. Watched you catch your breath. He kicked himself for trying to stop you, for doubting you.

“I didn’t mean to run from you last night," Bucky said. The words tumbled out of his mouth faster than he intended. "But, I panicked- I promised myself I'd ask you to be my date to the party and that we'd kiss at midnight. And I swore I'd finally tell you that I love you...”

Finally, he said the words. You breathed a sigh of relief and felt the knot in your stomach untangle itself. "You love me, huh?"

He nodded. "A lot. But I let the party get to me. I wasn't exactly comfortable with all the people and the noise and- I lost my nerve."

You took his face in your hands and brought his forehead to yours. "Hey, that's okay. I wasn't going down without a fight, anyway." You thought back on the night before, on the ridiculous way you'd run through the party in search of Bucky. "I chased after you like a madwoman. People probably thought I was a crazy stalker or something."

Bucky laughed and pulled you tight to his body, “well, thanks for looking crazy just for me, doll.”

"Any time, Buck. Happy New Year."

He pulled you in for another kiss, knowing that there would be many more to come this year. More sleepovers. More photos. More moments spent wrapped in one another.

"Happy New Year, baby"

————————————

Taglist: @beefybuckrrito @shadytalementality  @everything-burns-down @rainbow-unicorn-pony @mandersshow @breakablebarnes @psychoticmason @glxwingrxse @lonewolf471 @dreamerglassesgirl @the-gods-gloted-but-they-burned @purpleshallot  @seitmai @itvy5601 @dailyreverie  @navs-bhat @eviesaurusrex @themorningsunshine  @evangeliamerryll @buckys-metal-arm @broadwaybabe18 @the-kestrels-feather @avocadotoastwithegg @goldylions @lokisasgardianvampirequeen @vrittivsanghavi  @idkitsem @avengetheunnatural @rassvetsky @hereforbuckyandsteve @barnesselo

[thatfreshi]

"Tough Crowd" (Uni AU P. 1)

Really embracing the catty queerness of these fuckers LMAO. Anyways, here's our little intro to Ravenguard Univeristy and Tav's living situation :)

Tw - mention of alcohol

@justporo (If you want me to tag you in part two, leave a comment!)

It's finally move-in day. After getting your Associate's degree at some small-town community college, you finally transferred to Ravenguard University, probably through sheer luck. Perhaps someone dropped out of the waitlist, but you're here now, moving into the place that'll be your home for the upcoming semesters. Soon enough you're asked for your name, and given the key to your room, quickly being ushered to the elevators. The volunteering students are clearly stressed by all the newcomers, so you don't exactly blame them for seeming impersonal.

You read your key, which has deemed you to be in room 717. Sneaking your way over to the floor buttons, you lightly tap 7, and place yourself in one of the empty corners of the elevator. After dropping off a few strangers on lower floors, you finally get to your destination, and find your dorm room shortly after. When you unlock the door, you immediately hear arguing.

"I need the room with the desk! I have far too many exams to study for. Besides, you don't seem like the studying type anyways."

Two women are yelling at each other, one with jet-black hair and the other with piercing eyes and an intimidating demeanor.

"We're all here to study fool."

"Well, as far as I know, you don't want to be a doctor. Besides, aren't you just here as an athlete? Or, my bad, were here as an athlete?"

At this point the ginger is fuming, fists clenched, but simply takes the room they were arguing over and slams the door, locking it immediately. The med student slams her fist on the door.

"Just wait til I tell the RA about this Lae'zel!"

She sighs, clearly still trying to let go of her anger. When she turns from the closed door, she finally realizes you're standing there.

"Sorry about that. Roommate problems, am I right?"

The pale woman nervously chuckles. Dressed in all black, she looks ready for a funeral, well if funerals were comfy and full of college students.

"Uh, yeah. Please don't tell me you're going to be arguing like this every night."

"Well, her and I don't particularly get along. I'm surprised housing even let us be in the same room after how many issues we've had. Though I'm sure I'll learn to tolerate her better in our living situation."

The woman ponders the thought for a moment, and then her eyes light up.

"I forgot to introduce myself. I'm Shadowheart, and yes my parents are hippies. Most people call me Shadow since it's less cringe."

"Well, nice to meet you. Please tell me there's a room I can snag that you aren't fighting about."

"Oh, go down the hall and to the right. That one has a bigger wardrobe, but Lae and I both really wanted the desk."

Your phone vibrates, with a notification from some online magazine.

'Szarr: The Seven Models Behind the Magic'

"Why has this man been doing so many interviews?"

Shadowheart's ears perk up.

"You know Szarr, that fashion guy right? He's been all over the news, I cannot escape it."

"Oh. You may want to be careful how you talk about him. One of his precious prodigies goes here. Kind of a bitch honestly."

She makes a fake throw-up noise, rolling her eyes.

"Wait. One of his models goes here? I assumed they were all full-time."

"He's full-time alright. I've never seen Astarion pause for anything other than himself. Anyways, I suppose I need to unpack my things IN THE ROOM WITHOUT A DESK."

Shadowheart yells the last part loud enough for Lae'zel to hear, which coerces a groan from her behind the locked door. And just like that, she's locked away in her own room, leaving you with the room at the end of the hall. At least it has the nice wardrobe? You put on some music and start to unpack all your bags, soaking in the space. It leaves some to be desired, but you're excited nonetheless. You're woken from the trance however when there's a very loud knock at your dorm door. You wait for a moment, hoping one of the other two will get it, but the knocking simply continues obnoxiously. Making your way to the front door with a scowl on your face, you throw it open.

"Floor meeting in thirty minutes. If you or any of your roommates are late, I'll kill you."

You're met with the topic of your previous conversation: Astarion. While you aren't necessarily into fashion, you've seen so much about this guy as of recent, mostly from people thirsting on Twitter. You almost laugh, knowing Shadowheart will be pissed when she hears that he's the RA for their floor. He doesn't wait for you to respond and simply walks down to the next room. After closing the door, you call for your new gossipy friend.

"Oh Shadow, I have wonderful news!"

She opens her door and leans in the frame.

"Please tell me I heard that voice wrong."

"Nope. I guess if you want to complain about Lae'zel, you'll have to see your favorite person!"

She lets out a heavy sigh.

"Fine. I guess I'll just deal with her. Better the devil you know than the devil you don't."

You knock on Lae'zel's door to tell her about the meeting, but you're simply met with a yell of 'I know!'

"Geez, tough crowd."

"She's the toughest crowd you'll meet. Don't ever try to impress her, you'll die trying."

Shadowheart gives you this slice of advice while putting her hair in a black claw clip.

The next thirty minutes pass by quickly as you decorate the walls of your room. Posters, little pieces of art, pictures of friends from home. When you leave the room to go to the floor meeting, you're met with the overlapping voices of everyone from floor seven, clearly annoyed that they have to be here. You and Shadowheart sit on a couch in the common area, and Lae'zel stands off to the side.

"Okay, I'm going to make this quick."

The room gets quiet quickly as Astarion speaks up, pushing his shades down his nose slightly so he can make intense eye contact with anyone who interrupts him.

"I'm your RA for the year. No, I will not answer your calls. If I'm sleeping, you better not wake me up. I do not care if you have an air fryer in your room, but if you burn down the university I will be pissed. To make it entirely clear, I'm only doing this to make a little extra cash, so do not expect me to be, how do you say... present."

The room is silent, both pleased that he doesn't seem to care and entirely annoyed by his attitude.

"Any questions?"

Once again, no one speaks.

"Great! If you truly need something, I would suggest you go to the RA on floor eight, my wonderful friend Gale, as he actually cares about the well-being of strangers. Good day!"

The large group mutters as they all make their way back to their rooms. Shadowheart turns to whisper to you.

"Oh Gale fucking hates him, and I guarantee you he didn't sign off on being the RA of two floors. Can't wait to see that catfight."

You laugh at her comment, not noticing the white-haired man approaching the two of you.

"Shadowheart."

"Astarion."

"Who's your new friend?"

She then realizes she never actually asked your name.

"Tav. It's Tav."

Astarion makes a noise that lies somewhere between a laugh and a scoff.

"Fascinating. Well Tav, how would you like to be my plus-one to a party tonight? I would ask our emo queen here, but I'm sure she has some sulking and studying to do already."

"And I thought you'd be selling out on another Instagram post, but I guess you just really love bothering people. Have fun though, if you even know how to do that."

And with that comment. Shadowheart is back off to her room, most likely to sulk and study like Astarion said.

"Ugh, don't mind her. She just doesn't understand the hustle. Anyways, Tav was it? You seem like just the kind of person I'd love to silently drink champagne with."

You're silent for a moment, unsure if he really is as bad as Shadowheart makes him out to be.

"The champagne is free by the way."

What better way to sell a broke college student on a night out?

"Alright, guess I'm in."

[thetriplets3]

Could you do one about matt, where the reader has migraines and matt does everything he can to help her, lots of physical touch, words of affirmation etc

Ilysm and your writing ur amazing<3

as someone who’s had migraines and headaches every single day for 4 years I loved writing this. i hope you’re doing well feel free to message me if you ever need to talk, i know how difficult this can be. sending my love to you

꩜ migraine ꩜

Waking up in excruciating pain has become my new normal. From the moment my eyes open I’m greeted by the familiar feeling of a migraine. The dull pressure around my head makes it feel like it’ll burst at any given moment.

Rubbing my eyes, I sharply inhale as a sharp jolt enters my temple and eye making it feel as if a nail has been driven into my head. Pulling the blanket over my head I groan. This isn’t how I expected today to go. You and I were supposed to spend the day in the city. Aimlessly reaching for my phone I turn Siri on and instruct her to send you a text.

“Hey Siri, send Matt a text” I grumble.

“What do you want to say?” Siri's voice irritates me more.

“Hi love, would we be able to do today’s plans another day? I woke up with a migraine again. I'm not doing well, it's taking a toll on me and I don’t wanna be a drag on our date. I’m really sorry I feel so bad. I know how busy you’ve been and how excited you were for this and I’ve ruined that. I'm sorry. If you aren’t busy maybe we can call later? I miss you and I love you” I tiredly mumbled to Siri to type out for me.

Putting my phone fast down on my nightstand, I bury my face into my pillow and pull the blankets up to my chin and try to sleep the pain away. I only slept for probably an hour until I breathed in a familiar scent. I slowly open my eyes to see you laying beside me. I waste no time burying my face into your chest and wrapping my arms around you.

“I'm so glad you're here” I mutter.

“I figured you'd either need or want some help since you aren't feeling good and I missed you” you whisper, making sure not to worsen my headache. “Do you need anything? Is there anything I can do to make you more comfortable?”

“I need my heated eye mask and my meds please, you know where they are right?” I ask.

“I'll go get them, I'll be quick” you softly say as you plant a kiss on my forehead.

Staying true to your words you’re back in a few minutes with my nice and hot eye mask and some meds to hopefully ease the pain.

Putting the warm mask over my eyes I get comfy, resting my head on your chest as one arm wraps around my waist and the other massaging my scalp, easing the building tension in my head.

“I’m so proud of you, you know that? It’s difficult being in pain let alone constantly and this badly but here you are still fighting. I know it’s draining and takes a mental toll on you but you’re doing so good. I wish I could take your pain for you. You amaze me with your strength” you praise me.

“Thank you for coming over. I’m sorry for ruining our plans not just today but every other time I end up having to cancel. I feel bad about it. I don’t want you to think that I don’t wanna spend time with you because that’s really all I want is to be with you” I whisper.

“Anytime sweet girl I’ll always be here for you no matter what. Don’t apologize, remember we don’t worry about things that are outside of our control. You can’t control when you get a migraine so don’t feel bad for canceling. Plus when you have a migraine it means that I get to come over and take care of you which I love. You could never ruin anything, simply being with you is enough for me. I love you sweet girl, now get some rest I’m here” you tell me, soothingly massaging my scalp.

Your gentle voice, the head massage, the eye mask, and the meds is the perfect concoction to make me doze off into a much needed sleep in the arms of my favorite person. Migraines aren’t so bad when I have you by my side.

taglist:

@d0wnt0wnstu4n1ol0 @iluvmatt @stxrniqlo @antisocialties @fake-coolbeans

[magdaclaire]

starshine, a poem about my girlfriend @legalespeon

to cait: you're my favorite. to everyone else: hope you enjoy.

transcript under the cut or in the alt text image descriptions.

signed,

m a morton

i told her once that meeting her was like turning the lights on

and i don't know if there's any better way to describe it 

how else can i say that it feels like she reached into me and pulled every good thing about me back into the light

reminded me that there's more to this house than the shadows and the gloom

the creaking staircases and drafty windows

that she spilled color back into the world

or maybe she just reminded me to look for it

she opened the front door and the handle didn't even stick

didn't even catch on the swollen door frame

storm damaged in more ways than one

nobody's ever done it like her

people have shouldered through the door and they've climbed through windows

they've left the first time they were denied entry, 

mistaken the hesitance for occupancy,

it didn't even hesitate for her 

like the door was made for her to walk through.

meeting her was flicking on a gas stove

tick, tick, tick, catch,

the potential was always there,

stored energy waiting to be sparked into a flame,

i've cooked more in the months since i met her than i had in the previous two years.

every day, we do the connections together

that new york times game, something i would have never gotten into without her

i only like doing wordle with her

i get bored otherwise,

too caught up in my head to even stay focused on a game you only get six tries to get right

so why do i feel so perfectionist about it anyway

but that's not the point.

the point is that things are more fun when i can hear the sound of her laugh

i've always hated looking at menus but it's fun when she's telling me all the things she wants to try

when she's looking at restaurants in my hometown and curious about the brussel sprout salad

(which, of course, i order)

we looked through the attraction pages of three zoos together

we've contemplated dates in my hometown

the place she used to live

the place she's moved to now

the city where i stay when i'm with my brother

every place i am, i want her to be

i wanna see my comfortable places through her bright eyes

see how my girl sheds starlight, pixie dust from her fingertips

her delighted laughter, her open excitement,

i want to take her to every nook and cranny of childhood i have left in this world

let her know the creature consigned to this body

how it has come to heel beneath her gaze

how deeply and embarrassingly and ardently she's been needed for longer than i've known her.

she worries she doesn't help me as much as i help her

as if that worry in itself isn't more care than any partner has ever treated me with

like there isn't care in every look she regards me with

as if i haven't slept better since meeting her than i have in years.

and it can be said,

hey man you met her in the same time as getting on some new meds, maybe correlation isn't causation?

the new antidepressant is called auvelity and it started working before i ever knew her name

gave me energy again and the ability to cry and i started cooking again

day by day wasn't a slog for the first time in years and i hadn't felt that good since high school

(as fucking terrible as high school was).

the whole world still dim like milky twilight, damp with humidity

the frogs and the crickets so loud (or maybe the walls so thin) that you can hear them standing in the center of the house.

the lights didn't turn on without her.

she wraps joy around me like a borrowed coat, sits me down in the living room and tells me about the future,

and for the first time, i can picture one with me in it

for the longest time that idea was so vague to me

the abstraction from self it took to imagine survival past day by day by unforgiving day

with her, i can imagine turning 25

26, 31, 45 

if she's there, i want to be there too

and that's a lot to put on someone's shoulders

and i cannot be one more burden in her Atlas sky hands.

she'd tell me that i am not burdening her but stepping shoulder to shoulder with her, bearing the weight together

or she would tell me that i'm one of the reasons that all this tension is worth carrying

or she'd tell me that she's tired,

that she'd like to let go of the world and lay down with me,

and i would grab her hand and smile,

say fuck the world, come home with me

and in this imagining within an imagining

i picture how carefully she would set down the sky,

like placing a child back onto their feet

and how this is how she does everything,

with so much care it makes your chest ache

makes your eyes hurt

starlight girl supernova bright in my mind's eye,

my heartbeat catching on the lines of her smile.

sometimes, she and i sit looking at each other through cameras and phones and hundreds of miles

and i feel closer to her than any lover to ever touch my skin

there was an ocean between us and still that was true

four hours time difference we still found a way

i don't know what to do with a partner that actually thinks i'm worth the effort.

pushed out to sea by every moment i'm not with her,

pulled back in by the tide of her breathing,

my starlight girl moon in the sky,

and i the wrong kind of cosmonaut but enamored anyway,

there's not a way i can imagine this where i don't want to follow where she goes.

she's got one of those gaming computers with lights where lights truly do not have to be

it's colorful and whimsical and i'm sure that there's functional purpose

i want to build her the world with my own two hands but i imagine a computer like that might be easier

circuits and wires and logic and programming and ducks, from what i hear

i've never been for going about things the easy way anyway.

that's the scariest thing sometimes,

how easy things are with her

i'm used to loving folks like pulling teeth from my own mouth

service comes easy to me, gifts i can make,

but expressing love aloud has never been easier than when i'm pushing it past her lips

pouring love into her with lip and teeth and tongue

whisper her my love affair fire with smoke passed between our mouths

she breathes me in and i am taken in,

perfect and peaceful.

i'll never stop wondering why

she chose me but i'll choose her back every day if she'll let me

my sunshine, my north star

everything i need.

once, i told her that talking to her helps,

but I think I'll miss her til I have her in my hands, and every time she's not after that too

she says to me you say the most romantic shit sometimes,

asks me if she's supposed to  be normal about it,

as if making her feel that way isn't the goal of my every sentence;

letting her know how special she is through words alone is impossible

but sometimes I get close.

sometimes i think she can feel just how badly I need her,

split seconds of oh, you love me flash of recognition on her face

as if loving her wasn't what I was made for,

as if the sound of her laugh isn't music to me,

as if I don't hang off her every story time run-on sentence,

her unique ability to circumnavigate her point so much that it's like she's telling ten stories at once,

I love that about her.

I love the way she needs me to know every single detail and every single reason and how she knows him and how they know them,

how she invites me into the house of her soul just as easily as the door opened to her,

I love how much she trusts me.

I love trusting her just as much.

my good morning texts to her always start the same way

good morning, starshine! the sun says hello!

a bastardization misremembrance of something my mother quoted to me as a child that tastes like home on my tongue,

the home I provide to her will always live more on love than anything else,

and as well as I can, I won't let her be lonely in the home we share.

I was a lonely kid, in a way

in the textbook for the psychology class I took the semester before I met her

there was a small definition of what autism is, which began with

autism is a disorder characterized by extreme aloneness,

the goal here to be able to communicate exactly how much people like me live in our heads more than our homes,

open door and song birds singing,

and i don't think i've ever looked into a two way mirror and saw myself so profoundly as in that simple sentence,

that deep well of loneliness bubbling within me so suddenly.

i've never liked learning new things in public

it takes me time to adjust to information, to incorporate things

i can play a good game when it comes to the gambit of conversation

adapt as quickly as i can and keep quiet while things slide into place in my mind

i've never met someone more understanding of the oddities in me than she is

never been able to ask for the space she gives me naturally

slow but not far

an arms length intimacy that we close the distance of when we're both ready,

i wonder if she loves figuring me out as much as i love the vice versa,

standing in that push and pull of learning every single thing about her,

letting the ocean tide bite at my ankles just for the pleasure of standing in the sea spray,

i've always loved the water but never like this.

my love for her ocean vast and trench deep,

i have no idea how to end a poem about her

i'll spend the rest of my life with her

and i still don't think i'll ever be able to properly form the words,

tell her exactly how much she means,

how much i need her.

so instead, i'll prop the door open

write her poem after poem after poem of hello i love you,

good morning, i love you

how did you sleep, i love you

did you get something to eat, i love you

drink some more water, i love you

let me take care of you, i love you,

and i will take her hand and i will give her the keys, say

this house is yours now

i know you'll treat it well.

[aleksa-sims]

RL Simself Story

Finally arrived at home after a long day at the hospital. N. & I had planned to see each other later, but we'll catch up on our date tomorrow. I was so tired... My family was exciting waiting for me at home. My Mom made dinner. She and Ana immediately wanted to see my Baby's first Ultrasound pic.

My Mom took my Baby's pic and hung it up on the wall next to Ana’s and my photo in a empty, nice frame, where Daniel's & my pic was before.😔 A nice gesture to show me, that she is happy about my Baby. Though the situation was still a bit tense. My Dad wasn’t upset or anything, but he usually didn’t say anything, when we talked about Nico's & my Baby. He was also happy for me, supported me and all this, but he was more reserved when it came to my pregnancy. He was worried about my Baby’s development & health due to the meds I was taking.🙁

After dinner I played with my cat. Ana & I constantly took pics of Lucky. He’s so cute, he really enjoed posing for us. Lucky loved it at my parent's place. He was so happy here. Meanwhile it became his new home.

I missed my room & my bed, while I was at my grandparents. Here it's just more comfortable for me. My bedding smelled wonderful. Soft & pleasantly fresh. Idk how my Mom does it, but she, her/our home and stuff, always smells perfect. I was even often asked at work by co-workers, who sat next to me in the office, what kind of nice smell this is on my clothes? Anyway! Even though I slept well, the next morning I didn't feel good.

I realized that I usually felt nauseous in the morning after waking up since I was pregnant. I had to eat something to get rid of my nausea. I just didn't know that yet at that time. My Mom heard me in the bathroom. I coughed and choked, my stomach was empty but my body still reflexively tried to throw up. Anyone who’s ever been pregnant knows what I mean. However, after I was.... done, I was totally exhausted but I felt a relief. As I washed my hands, my Mom came to me in the bathroom. She immediately started scrubbing the toilet.😅🤦‍♀️She's such a neat FREAK!

Me: Mom? What are you doing? I was just about to clean the toilet.

Mom: It's ok. You can take a shower so you will still have enough time for breakfast before going to work. I just wanna help you... I know how you feel rn. It's.... not fair.

Me: Not fair? What do you mean?

Mom: Well, having a child... Everything always stucks with us women. Pregnancy, delivery and even later. But you're not alone, A. Your Dad are there.

Me: I know. Thanks. But N. will help me too. He wants that.

Mom: Why isn’t he with you? He promised to be there for you. But to me it seems... Nico doesn’t add anything to all this. I mean... your Baby will need a room, a bed, a stroller and many other little things. Like I said, your Dad and I will handle all this. But I think Nico or his parents should add something too. They are doing a lot better financially than us, A. I hope you don’t get me wrong. I don’t want to argue with you or him. But you should tell his Mom. They need to know you’re pregnant. He will soon have to go abroad again. His parents should also help a bit.

Me: You're right! I'm gonna talk to him later. But about N. & me, you're wrong! It was my fault.

Mom: When he was sleeping with you, he didn’t mind you being married. Now that it’s getting serious, you’re pregnant, he suddenly got doubts?

Me: Yea, that's right. He'd say I failed him. He trusted me, but I hesitated with the divorce. You know?

Mom: Look, I’m staying out of your.... relationship. But some important details, you should make clear to him!... For Nico nothing has really changed. He will continue to play soccer, live abroad and you will be here alone with your child. Make sure he will support you financially! Tell his family, A.!

And again, my Mom was right! 🙁I'll be here alone. I have to sort all these things out with him. We don’t have much time left. Only 2 months! In September he has to go back abroad.

Previous/Next

[foster-the-world]

Good and Bad

Friday night and Saturday morning were annoying. Lots of yelling at my kids as they drove me crazy. Had to take out Bee's braids. It takes me forever, generally six plus hours. Baby boy is a kid that needs to be out of the house in general but really cannot handle me focusing on anyone but him. Which results in him wrecking havoc and annoying the hell out of all of us. Next time I'm prescheduling my husband to take him out all day whenever hair needs to be done.

I've also noticed the girls have been quite rude when I walk in after work. Its rather unpleasant to be excited to get him and have your children treat you like a big annoyance. They are generally watching TV - which I'm fine with. They have a long day at camp and then do 20 minutes of reading when they get home. They have been ignoring me/my questions or responding very rudely. Don't get me started on how rude they are to baby boy. Its embarrassing in front of the sitter but also just not okay. I told them from now on we can take a ten minute TV break when I come home to discuss our days. Told them there won't be TV at all if they can't manage to be kind to other family members.

We managed to pull it together for a fun Saturday night/Sunday. We did a water park yesterday. I was skeptical it would work with baby boy but we all ended up having a great time. He was nervous about one of the little kid slides. We took him up a few times to have him turn around. I don't care if he does it or not but he seemed determined. The last hour of the day he runs up there and goes down without hesitation. He had the biggest grin, was fist pumping and generally so proud of himself. He said "I did a great job." He did it roughly another 25 times. It was the sweetest. Love to see my kids trying and loving new things. Bee's a big thrill seeker so got to do a lot of the big kid rides with her.

We booked a Neuropsych for end of September for baby boy. Its crazy expensive and insurance will pay roughly $400. So annoying that this is our system that screws over the kids that need it most and can't afford it. The cost is not easy for us but we are very fortunate we can make it happen. The neuro will also testify in court if we decide to sue for private school special needs placement. We really hope we don't have to go that route but want to be prepared. I've been saying I want an expert to tell me what to do and hopefully this will do it. Glad to have the decision made after a lot of back and forth about whether or not the expense made sense. We could wait and if he does poorly in Kindergarten and we really, really push they DOE may pay but I don't want to wait for him to fail. The Neuropsych very well may recommend a normal public school (which would be good news) but we just don't know what he needs. The Dev ped is pushing for meds this year so we can test how they work before he has trouble in Kindergarten. Not sure about that but we can wait until Oct/Nov to decide. So far, no complaints from school so it feels weird to medicate him at this stage.

[thatstonedwriter]

⋆｡˚ 「 Family History 」 ⋆｡˚

◉ Sinopsis; Blitz tells Loona about the Circus Fire...

◉ A/n- this scene takes place following the events of the party in the Queen Bee episode. Tbh I'm not quite sure how much Loona canonically knows about Blitzø's past, so this is written under the assumption he hasn't said anything to her at all. This is also my first attempt at a longer fic (other than the song drabbles), so hopefully all goes well.

◉ Warnings; mentions of injuries (severe burns), trauma, vomit, swearing

___˙•˚∘✮🌙ᯓ🪐˙•˚∘___

It's not often Blitzø is genuinely vulnerable. It doesn't come easily to him, knowing that talking about his mistakes could mean his worst fears coming to fruition- that everyone he loves will see him the way he sees himself.

After taking care of Blitzø, Loona goes to her room, closing the door and sitting on her bed.

What did he mean about "dying alone"? Sure, Loona has been around Blitzø enough to know he has something going on, but it's not like either of them has sat down to have in-depth emotional discussions. Now, Loona thinks maybe they should.

Loona's snapped out of her thoughts when she hears Blitzø in the living room.

"Fuuuuck.. I did need to throw up."

She chuckles lightly, debating on going out there to clean up and make sure Blitzø was alright- but then she hears him snoring and decides whatever mess is out there can be cleaned in the morning.

Of course, Loona comes to regret that sentiment. Cleaning dried puke off the floor first thing after waking up isn't how she wants to be spending her time. On the couch, Blitzø groans in his sleep, rolling over, only to fall off the couch and land on the floor.

"You're so lucky I'm almost done cleaning or you would've landed in your own puke," Loona snickers.

"Ugh.. Fuck. Thanks, Looney.." Blitzø groans, bringing a hand to his head and wincing. "Shiiit.." Blitzø stumbles as he stands up, falling back onto the couch and sighing as he gets comfortable again.

"There's pain meds and some water on the side table for you.." Loona says as she finishes cleaning up. "You should take it easy today. You went pretty crazy last night." As Blitzø reaches for the pill bottle and water, Loona sits on the opposite end of the couch, casting a concerned glance at him.

"You uh.. Wanna talk about why you drank like five gallons of Beelzejuice?"

The question is more loaded than she realizes, and it hangs between them like a dense fog. That fog had always been there, but only now is Loona realizing how much it obstructed her view of Blitzø. She knew he crossed himself out of pictures, joked about his relationships and therapy, and had.. unusual coping mechanisms- but she never considered why. Loona had no reference for how fucked up either of them were, because they'd both been through so much.

"Dad...?" That tentative question is enough to get Blitzø's attention. His neck practically snaps with how fast he turns his head, but upon seeing the worry on Loona's face, the excitement of being called "dad" wore off, and a new, hauntingly familiar feeling began to creep into his chest.

"I'm sorry, Looney," Blitzø's voice wavers. "It was just.. a rough night."

"You'd said that.. but I'm worried about you. I should know what's going on so I can help you. Loona's eyes dart towards the photos on the wall, and she sighs. "Please?"

Blitzø breathes in deeply and turns to face her. "I.. went to Ozzie's. With Stolas.. and I ran into a couple people I used to know..."

There were so many questions Loona wanted to ask- when had he invited Stolas on a date? And why? Who does Blitzø know that would even be working at Ozzie's? As curious as she is, she doesn't want to get side-tracked.

"Who was it?"

Another loaded question. For a moment, Blitzø doesn't answer. It was bad enough seeing Verosika when she'd been working at their building over spring break. How was he supposed to tell Loona that a pop star he dated- along with his former best friend who he never told Loona about- verbally harassed him in song at a nightclub? A nightclub he was at with his... Stolas- all because he wanted to stalk Moxxie and Millie.

"It was- um- ugh, fuck it. I ran into Verosika and my old friend, Fizz. It wasn't- I didn't know they'd be there."

As interested as Loona would be in hearing about what happened with Verosika, she'd never heard Blitzø mention any past friends before.

"Fizz?"

"Yeah, Fizzarolli. I was in the circus with him for a long time, but.." Blitzø's vision gets blurry as tears well in his eyes. He's quick to wipe them away, clearing his throat, "But that was a long time ago and that asshole doesn't know anything about me anymore!" Deep down, Blitzø knows it isn't true. Even after fifteen years of not speaking, Fizz probably knows Blitzø better than the I.M.P squad.

Loona racks her brain for any memory of Blitzø bringing up this "Fizzarolli" but nothing. But if he's on par with Verosika in Blitzø's mind, he must be pretty important. There are still so many questions jumbled up in her head- and before Loona can think about it, she turns to Blitzø and asks,

"What.. happened.. between the two of you? Why haven't you brought him up before?"

Of all the questions Blitzø dreaded, those were the top two. He tenses, and this time, the tears form and fall faster than he can wipe them away. His chest begins to heave as his eyes dart around the room. "It- It was all my fault.. He has every right to hate me for what happened. But still, for him to fucking take those shots at-"

Blitzø slows down when he feels Loona's hand on his back. "Woah slow down.. what happened?"

Blitzø sighs, scooting further away. It's probably time Loona knew the truth...

"Fifteen years ago, when I was still in the circus, I- I was trying to give Fizz a letter. Fuck," he groans, "It was an accident! I didn't do anything, I just-" Loona stops him. "Hey, you're getting ahead of yourself. It's okay."

Blitzø nods, still not able to meet her gaze. "It all happened so fast. I didn't give Fizz the letter- I shoved past this guy- I didn't see he had candles.." Blitzø decides to leave out the facts that 1, the letter to Fizz was a confession, and 2, it was Fizz's birthday when Blitzø caused the fire.

"The next thing I know.. the tents are up in flames. I went to go back for Fizz, but then," his hand comes up to the scar covering the side of his face, "I tried- I tried to get help but my family's tent was on fire. I had to find-" Blitzø chokes back a sob and wipes his face again. Loona gets up, grabbing some napkins from the kitchen and handing them to Blitz before joining him on the couch.

"I started the fire that burned down the circus. Fizz.. his injuries were so, so bad. I wanted to visit him in the hospital but he didn't want to see me.. and I guess I can't blame him. I wouldn't want to see me either.."

He sniffles, staring down at the floor. He may have adopted Loona, but she's an adult- and could walk out at any time. After this? Why wouldn't she? A moment passes before she speaks up.

"But it was an accident."

"What?"

"You didn't start that fire trying to hurt anyone. It was an accident- a big one- but still."

"I know, but-"

"Listen," Loona said sternly, just to get Blitzø's attention. Once she does, Loona softens her tone, "what happened sucks, and I don't even think you told me everything." She shoots him a knowing glance, to which Blitzø shrugs. "Either way, that doesn't define you. You.. you're good.. and you matter to a lot of people.. so don't act like you're some irredeemable monster! You made a mistake.

Blitzø doesn't say anything. He's not sure if what he heard was real or a projection of what he wanted to hear. But then Loona brings him in for a tentative hug, and he knows for sure; he's not alone. He's not going to be left. Loona doesn't hate him the way he hates himself.

Blitzø's arms tighten around her as he begins to cry.

"Thank you, Looney.. I love you so much.."

He can't see it, but Loona smiles, resting her head on his shoulder.

"I love you too, Dad."

[themultifandomgal]

Will- Dating Him

We didn't really have a first date, unless you class Ella falling over at the park and me taking her to Med to get looked at.

It's been a couple months since then, Will and I have been on a few dates and he asked me to be his girlfriend not to long ago. I haven't met many of their friends yet but today Ella and I are going to Mollys with Will for some food and a few drinks. We will also be staying the night Wills house, this will be the first time both of us will have stayed over. In the passed I've had Will over but he has always left before Ella has woken up, so fingers crossed she will be ok.

"Momma when we going. I hungy"

"I know baby. We're going in a little bit. Go and pack the bag upstairs with toys you want to bring, but don't pack to much we're only stopping one night"

"Seepover!" she yells making me chuckle at her as she runs off up to her room to pack some bits and bobs.

Once ready we head over to Will's. I turn my car off and help Ella out of her seat. Just as her feet touch the floor the door opens and Ella runs over to Will to give him a hug. I take out her overnight bag and walk over to my boyfriend who's now got

Ella on his hip

"Can we have food now I'm starving"

"Do I not feed you enough?" I chuckle greeting Will with a kiss

"We're going now, I thought we could walk"

"But my legs will drop off" Ella dramatically throws her arms in the air

"I think you'll be ok because I've bought your pushchair just in case. Let's just pop this inside and we can make our way"

We arrive not long later and greet Jay who is already nursing a beer

"Ok baby listen, there's going to be a lot of people her. Luckily most of them will be first responders, but if you get worried or scared you need to tell me ok?"

"Ok but momma, you forgot something"

"What's that?" I place my hands on my hips and raise an eyebrow

" I'm big girl and I don't get scared"

"Is that right? So you didn't come into my bed last night because you thought there was a monster under your bed?"

"Momma I was keeping you safe" she says hitting her head and shaking it. I laugh at her. She can be so funny sometimes

"Hey guys what are you having?" Herrmann asks as we make our way to the bar

"I'll have a gin and tonic please. What do you want?" I ask Ella

"Errrrm" she makes a thinking face " oh I know orange juice pwease. Also can I have food because momma hasn't feed me since dinner time"

"We can't have you hungry now can we. How about some pizza?" I watch as Ella's eyes light up with excitement she nods her head quickly "ok. Go and sit down and I'll bring you your drinks and food"

"Thank you Herrmann" Will says taking my hand and lead me and and Ella ever to a table where Jay was at

"Hi Jay" she says climbing up on to the chair next to him

"Hey Ella how was preschool?" He asks, bad move. Ella is now going to talk his head off

"Ugh well..."

As the evening goes on we meet more people and Ella has basically made everyone her best friend, especially Jays girlfriend Erin. Ella soon falls asleep, but not wanting to leave just yet I let her sleep in her pushchair

"How have you done this for 3 years on your own? I don't think I could cope" Erin says looking at the sleeping child

"I didn't really have a choice. I got pregnant then my ex broke up with me after cheating on me. When my parents found out they told me to never come home. I was living with my friend Jade over in New York before I managed to get a job, then I had to move here for said job because Jade couldn't cope with me and a baby" I shrug "I have had days when I needed a break but I just head to get over it. Ella has and always will come first"

"Anytime you need someone to come over just text or ring" I smile at Jay thanking him

"Something you'll learn very quickly is that we're a family. All of us. No matter when, or what time you phone someone if you need help" Erin says before sipping her drink

"Thanks. It means a lot" I smile at Will, Jay and Erin.

[matenrou-fan]

Ahem...ITS ME AGAIN!!

I really do love your writing so far, LIKE THEY'RE SO GOOD!!

So ummm...can i request for Ramuda, samatoki and gentaro ( again lol, bc they're my fav AHEM.) How will they react when their wife tells them she's pregnant?? Ik its so cringy but QIGSISGAIAHZJS

You can ignore it if you want, and thanks again to your hard work and make me so happy with your writings!!

Ramuda, Samatoki and Gentaro react to their wife's pregnancy

ahhh no!! this is not cringy it's so cute..!! so here, hope you will enjoy it <3 also thank you very much for your sweet words ahh..! you such an angel..♡

femreader, fluff, just wholesome stuff, mention of meds, spoilers for their past/ background??

-I think he's kinda clueless about these things, so when you start to have toxicosis he just thinks you have a fever or something.

-"Ahh! My dollface, what's wrong? Do you feel sick?" - Ramuda keeps jumping around you, really worried.

-Only when you tell your husband about pregnancy, he suddenly gets so over excited.

-It's probably sound strange yet for Ramuda, who didn't have any childhood and normal maturation, it's really interesting.

-"Why didn't you tell me before?! Don't tell me you were afraid or something..!" - he giggles, hugging you tightly. - "Uwa, we have so many things to do now, come on..!"

-That's where Ramuda's whole designer potential comes out. Cause your baby needs to have the cutest room that your husband would style himself, along with all outfits and little toys. Good sense in fashion should be instilled from the first days of life..!

-Of course he would also design some new clothes for you too, more comfortable and oversized so it would be easy to move around for you in the third trimester of pregnancy.

-Also, you would have the best treatment. Ramuda has enough money to buy you all kinds of vitamins and meds, enough time to take you to the hospital almost everyday for different cheek ups, tests, etc.

-Maybe in the beginning he quite didn't understand how hard it can be to you, but now he's learning more and more and trying to support you as much as he can, bringing some sweets after work for your pregnancy cravings, letting you stay the whole day in bed when you feel sick.. Your husband even tries to be more quiet and calm around you now, so you would feel more peace..! He wants you to feel less stressed about this, after all.

-Cause you're the one who helps him feel more needed, to feel more human.. And thoughts about having a big family, his own family with you.. Ramuda didn't know it would bring so much joy to his heart.

-"How you feel today, my dolly?" - he sat next to you in bed with a soft smile. It's so different from his casual wild cheerful smile that you can't help but smile back, pulling him closer to a hug. - "Hehe, if you're good, maybe we should start to think about our baby name? I want it to be super sweet and cute..!"

-You may be kinda nervous cause he's a Yakuza, after all.. What if he doesn't want to have kids at all, due to his dangerous work?

-But you better tell him as fast as you can, cause actually it would hurt Samatoki if you try to hide it.

-"You're pregnant..?" - for a moment your husband thought it was a joke, but your sincere face told him everything. You expect any kind of reaction but suddenly Samatoki drops to his knees, hugging and kissing your stomach. - "I.. Darling, s/o.. I'm so glad.. I love you."

-To be honest, he always wanted to have kids with you, to build a happy family.. He had a rough, terrible childhood so he wants his kids to see only the bright side of this world.

-If Samatoki was soft with you before this now he's even more gentle and overprotective, stoically enduring any tantrums that you might have through your pregnancy. He understands that it's just nervousness and stress and he will never raise his voice back.

-He is a harsh, cold and emotionless leader.. well, outside. When inside he's willing to be your personal servant and do everything you want.

-Pregnancy cravings? He was already in the store, buying what you asked for. Pain in back or legs? His hands are already on your sore muscles, massaging it gently.

-You will not even lift a finger in the house now, as Samatoki would do all household chores for you, it doesn't matter if you feel sick or not.

-But it doesn't mean he would let you slack off. Your husband will make sure that you do some physical exercise that is safe for pregnant women and walk a little with you in the park everyday.

-"You feel tired today? Maybe you want something? Huh, just lay down with me and cuddle..?" - Samatoki's face quickly changed from worried to soft but smuggy expression as he embraced you gently. - "Oh, princess, of course.. Come here and tell me how your day was.."

-He's always so insightful.. So he would understand everything immediately, but wait for you to start this talk first.

-It's a serious conversation, after all, and he wants you to feel comfortable to share this important moment of you and his lifes.

-"Oh, my dear, you're pregnant? Of course I know..My servants already tell me you would be pregnant with the next prince of forestland.." - your husband nodded with a serious face. - "What? I didn't tell you I'm actually a great fairy king? Huhu, well, it's all a lie.."

-But actually Gentaro is really happy to be a father soon. He just can't help but tease you a little, so you would feel more relaxed about this.

-Surprisingly soft and caring, trying to give you the best treatment now. As he's always visiting his brother in hospital, Gentaro is acquainted with many people here and was able to find the best meds, doctors, clinics, you name it.

-Your husband may look like nothing will ever bother him, but actually he's quite nervous about your well-being, just not showing it. After all, he doesn't want you to get into real state, as you already have enough on your shoulders.

-So instead Gentaro would relieve his stress on paper, writing fairy tales for your kid and then read it to you before sleep, asking for your opinion.

-"Mm? Want me to write a story about our baby too?" - he smirks when you two are laying together in bed. - "Okay, but you need to give me some inspiration, darling.. Few kisses filled with your sincere love would be enough to fill me with the power of clairvoyance, and I will write the whole life story of our kid.."

[breannasfluff]

Imagine there was a law once a year you had to kill someone else to survive and not be able to be killed that year. As a problem to overpopulation.

I hate the "Is the cup half full or half empty" thing. It doesn't help to see if I'm pessimistic or optimistic. Seeing as my view depends on how the glass was set up. If the water was poured first, it is half full. If the glass was filled completely with water, then half of it got dumped out, it is half empty. How can you say "Oh it's half empty" or "oh it's half full". Also both of those are technically correct, so why is this even a thing? You literally can't tell anything from this and I hate it.

I don't think anyone is dumb. Everyone learns differently. Just because the person is not understanding the concept, doesn't mean they are stupid or slow. That means it is not being taught in their learning style. There are like 7 different learning styles, and I know for a fact there are almost no schools that try to teach people using all of them. It's not your fault for not understanding something, sometimes it's not even the person teaching you fault. Sometimes the wording is just confusing in your brain or you need longer to process and make connections. I just hate whenever someone uses dumb as an insult. It doesn't make sense and yes there are some topics I would be "Dumb" to, but that's just because I haven't tried to learn them.

Silent letters in English are so dumb. Or words that are just not spelled like they are pronounced. Like what's the point? It just makes everything more confusing for everyone. And also the different spelling for every day thing from like British English to American English to Australian English. Like Gray? I honestly don't know how to spell it correctly where I'm from. I change the spelling every time I spell Grey. It's so dumb.

Did you know ADHD meds don't work if you have certain foods after or before you take them. Mostly foods or things with vitamin C. Just a thought.

I have no clue why I wrote this. I had ten thousand other things I could be doing. Anyways, I hope you enjoyed my random thoughts and I'm sure glad for the ask anonymously feature in tumbler!

According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway because bees don't care what humans think is impossible. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Ooh, black and yellow! Let's shake it up a little. Barry! Breakfast is ready! Ooming! Hang on a second. Hello? - Barry? - Adam? - Oan you believe this is happening? - I can't. I'll pick you up. Looking sharp. Use the stairs. Your father paid good money for those. Sorry. I'm excited. Here's the graduate. We're very proud of you, son. A perfect report card, all B's. Very proud. Ma! I got a thing going here. - You got lint on your fuzz. - Ow! That's me! - Wave to us! We'll be in row 118,000. - Bye! Barry, I told you, stop flying in the house! - Hey, Adam. - Hey, Barry. - Is that fuzz gel? - A little. Special day, graduation. Never thought I'd make it. Three days grade school, three days high school. Those were awkward. Three days college. I'm glad I took a day and hitchhiked around the hive. You did come back different. - Hi, Barry. - Artie, growing a mustache? Looks good. - Hear about Frankie? - Yeah. - You going to the funeral? - No, I'm not going. Everybody knows, sting someone, you die. Don't waste it on a squirrel. Such a hothead. I guess he could have just gotten out of the way. I love this incorporating an amusement park into our day. That's why we don't need vacations. Boy, quite a bit of pomp... under the circumstances. - Well, Adam, today we are men. - We are! - Bee-men. - Amen! Hallelujah! Students, faculty, distinguished bees, please welcome Dean Buzzwell. Welcome, New Hive Oity graduating class of... ...9:15. That concludes our ceremonies. And begins your career at Honex Industries! Will we pick ourjob today? I heard it's just orientation. Heads up! Here we go. Keep your hands and antennas inside the tram at all times. - Wonder what it'll be like? - A little scary. Welcome to Honex, a division of Honesco and a part of the Hexagon Group. This is it! Wow. Wow. We know that you, as a bee, have worked your whole life to get to the point where you can work for your whole life. Honey begins when our valiant Pollen Jocks bring the nectar to the hive. Our top-secret formula is automatically color-corrected, scent-adjusted and bubble-contoured into this soothing sweet syrup with its distinctive golden glow you know as... Honey! - That girl was hot. - She's my cousin! - She is? - Yes, we're all cousins. - Right. You're right. - At Honex, we constantly strive to improve every aspect of bee existence. These bees are stress-testing a new helmet technology. - What do you think he makes? - Not enough. Here we have our latest advancement, the Krelman. - What does that do? - Oatches that little strand of honey that hangs after you pour it. Saves us millions. Oan anyone work on the Krelman? Of course. Most bee jobs are small ones. But bees know that every small job, if it's done well, means a lot. But choose carefully because you'll stay in the job you pick for the rest of your life. The same job the rest of your life? I didn't know that. What's the difference? You'll be happy to know that bees, as a species, haven't had one day off in 27 million years. So you'll just work us to death? We'll sure try. Wow! That blew my mind! "What's the difference?" How can you say that? One job forever? That's an insane choice to have to make. I'm relieved. Now we only have to make one decision in life. But, Adam, how could they never have told us that? Why would you question anything? We're bees.

Gray with an A is how you spell it in the USA. It has the A for America. Grey is the British spelling.

[purplethespian]

Waiting for Permission to Be Sick - Input Requested!

So, I got officially diagnosed with two chronic conditions last week. And the doctor explained to me the details of how these conditions affect my body, and what kinds of symptoms to look out for, and what I can expect life to look like going forward. And I got prescribed meds, and given detailed instructions for when to take them and any side effects I might experience and what to do to help myself feel better if I'm not feeling well, and all of that.

And I just. Haven't done it. I've started taking some of the meds, but not all of them, and like. There's no real reason for me not to? I'm just. Not doing it. Like I've looked up some products on Etsy to have like. Emergency medical info with me so that if I randomly black out or faint again in public, someone could see me and have info know what to do. And I've been looking at pins that say "I have an invisible disability" and aaaaaaaall sorts of stuff. Basically just window shopping for my chronic illness starter kit. But it's been over a week now and I haven't bought anything, and I seem to have convinced myself that I can't start taking my meds until I have all of my Items sorted out and prepared. And like -- there are some actual reasons for this, such as my schedule has been all over the place and my meds need to be taken at multiple times a day at certain intervals, and some with food and some without food, so I need to be able to have that stuff ready to go even when I'm out and about.

But I'm not. Actually doing the work to get everything sorted out and ready? I'm just window shopping. And today, I have been very tired all day because of the rain and because I did too much yesterday, and my head has been hurting because I'm still not over my concussion and I also probably did too much today, even though honestly all I did was go to one class and observe the whole time, and read a couple of emails. And I thought to myself, "well I guess I should take tylenol for my head, and I guess I can give myself permission to do that since my boyfriend is busy and can't tell me to take care of myself --- oh."

I have been waiting for someone to give me permission to identify as chronically ill! Even today I was like "I feel like I've managed to convince myself that I feel worse than I actually do, and I'm actually fine." Even though there would be no real reason for me to be doing that. And like. My head actually hurts! I really did and still do feel tired! And I've seen my test results, and I know that I have a chronic condition. It's been medically confirmed by a bunch of different tests, and multiple medical professionals have been like "yep you've got something wrong with you" (though using more professional and kind words, of course). All of this to say -- I have been waiting for someone to tell me that I am ill and it is chronic and that it is okay to spend money on taking care of myself and things that will make me feel better, even if it is only temporary like the excitement of buying a new pouch that says "This Bag Is Full of Drugs" specifically to keep my medical supplies in, or something to help keep me safe going forward like a medical alert key chain. The only question now is -- what do I do about this? How do I give myself permission to need help or extra accommodations or even just some medication when I never want to admit that I need or want help? I'm so used to being self-sufficient and doing everything by myself that I don't know how to be okay with more problems.

Has anyone else experienced something like this? What do you do? How do you learn to be okay with the fact that your body is not going to go back to the way it was before? I am only 22 and it's hard to accept that my life is not going to look the way I pictured it when I was 18.

[izzydeadjet]

I came up with a new term to describe my affliction:

✨Outlaw Syndrome✨

Basically, it's like imposter syndrome, but instead of feeling like you aren't good enough or that you don't belong, it goes more like this:

You start off being amazing/gifted/talented at the job/school/hobby. People tell you things like, "Wow you picked this up so quickly!" "It feels like you've always been here even though you just started a few weeks ago!" "I'm confident you will breeze past the trial period/mid-term".

Then the cracks start to show. At first it's just minor things. Things you can easily fix and improve on, and you do. You gleefully take the suggestions to improve and apply them. As long as you know how to fix the problem, you'll be better this time. You'll finally be able to settle!

Then one day, you have a bad week. Maybe a close friend passed away, maybe something happened at home or an event is causing you stress. Your true flaws come to the surface. You can't focus, (you never could, but new and exciting things always hide that when you first start) you say things without thinking which causes you to be rude or sound unsure about anything, your memory starts to fail you and the tasks that came naturally to you now need guidance.

You get pulled into an office or a meeting. You are told, "We can tell that you're really trying but we're concerned this job/class/group will be too stressful for you. You need to improve your focus/mindfulness/memory. Is there anything we can do to support that?"

There never is. This is what you are most afraid of. You can't fix it. You've tried deep breathing and journalling and sticky notes and calendars and seeing a doctor and taking anxiety meds and...

The tears start to come. You are given a few minutes to pull yourself together, which you do so you can continue your day. You get home and the choking, shuddering sobs you had been holding in all day surface.

You realise that they found you out again. You're not a stand-up member of society, you're an outlaw, and you need to skip town...Again.

So yeah, basically outlaw syndrome is just imposter syndrome but other people tell you that you aren't good enough instead despite you working so damn hard for the job you love. Pretty neat, huh? :')

[prick-love-for-arting]

hi I'm obsessed with your ngc hospital au, I need more hcs if you have any pls pls

one note on this, i haven't fully decided what everyone is, but I think i want the ngc to be like full staff, and if they're staff at the imaginary hospital the involved first years are residents at the moment. It gives the NGC more authority and more room for FY to mess up (Third gen Captains???? idk i'd prefer to include tsuki over yamaguchi at least as a doctor anyway, Yamaguchi would be office staff if anything). I will attempt to organize my thoughts on this.

Okay, New Gen Captains first

So, i want to switch Futakuchi and Shirabu's focus so that Futakuchi is the emergency doctor and Shirabu is in general surgery. It feels more Futakuchi's speed, he's not always in control but it takes it head on, where Shirabu is more of a controller he gets things where they need to be. Though I do still think Shirabu takes shifts in the ER relatively often.

It might be a little projecting but Shirabu has moments where he kind of zones out when lots of stuff is happening around him, like everyone else is moving in slow-mo, especially if he's overstimulated. He likes a quiet OR with the beeping of monitors to focus on.

Shirabu sees a lot of different things and maybe it's a research hospital, and because of that Konoha is always approaching him about drug trials and getting involved. He doesn't have to tell the pretty doctor that he just wants an excuse to talk to him.

I've mentioned it but i'm gonna reiterate and add, Yahaba has the steadiest hand in the office, his stitches are the cleanest and his hand writing is the neatest, the nurses appreciate it. But he also takes a little bit longer in surgery.

The doctor the nurses like the best though? Kanoka. No doubt. I think her and Aone would be good friends.

Sakusa cannot be interrupted when scrubbing in or else he starts over.

Sakusa has terrible bedside manner, he's so blunt about it, but he's very very good at his job. He knows the brain\nerves hardware not the software, emotions are Akaashi's job.

Sakusa and Akaashi actually get along really well, 2 weirdos. Though Sakusa will not go in Akaashi's apartment ever, it's a mess it's terrible.

Hoshiumi is the most chaotic doctor, he's a trauma surgeon so naturally he spends most of his time on call in the emergency room. But he's not great at sitting still so, he likes to just show up places. (others that like to just show up: Usuri)

Terushima is also chaotic, but not while at work. He gets so focused and is very efficient. He is however the one trying to wrangle the NGC for after work activities along with Yamamoto and Atsumu

Ennoshita and Yamamoto end up interacting a lot, because Yamamoto's patients often need some course of physical therapy.

First Years!

Tsukishima as a Resident along with Goshiki but he spends more time with Akaashi in the psych department, so he'd have the plot line of understanding and like working through his problems with trusting people through what he sees at work. Mentor figure akaashi??? accidental mentor?

Speaking of Goshiki, I think Shirabu cannot handle him alone he needs a buffer in almost every situation but Shirabu is always surprised/impressed with how he completely changes when in surgery, kid knows what he's doing he's just excitable and a little full of himself

Koganegawa is an emergency med resident, he's really good at working the odd hours and bouncing from case to case. He knows what he's doing but he can be a bit much for people

I want to include Kindaichi and Teshiro too, but I'm not sure where they'll fit in

ROOMMATES!!!!!! and general living situation HCs

Yahaba and Shirabu

they're odd roommates both bring a bit of rich kid energy but very differently like Shirabu has a really minimalist way about things, whereas Yahaba is a trinkets person he's photos up everywhere, he's got little collections, he's decorated they're living room, he has a cat that roams the apartment and acts like it hates Shirabu but sleeps in his laundry

Ennoshita and Daichi (who is a paramedic in this)

childhood friends to roommates, it makes their families happy to know they're together

Tsukki, Goshiki, and Koganegawa

that one is a mess for a while, but they coexist fine, Kogane works weird hours whereas the other two have more regular schedules. They all have time when they're the only one there (that's awake at least)

Futakuchi has a tiny 1 bed apartment because it's all he could afford in the city when he first got there and he never got around to finding a better place. He'll argue it's closer and he can walk to work, so it's better, but no one else agrees

Sakusa and Komori

The place is spotless, except for Komori's room (still clean but typical clutter, ya know). He keeps common spaces clean for Sakusa's sake though.

Anyway I'm super happy someone else is maybe invested in this as much as I am!